Drinking Outside The Box

With Simon Woods – wine for people who have a life

Let’s parlais winespeak September 7, 2007 at 10:44 am

Published by 4 Comments

They say: We’re rationalising our range
They really mean: The labels have changed and the price has gone up.

They say: It’s a blend of premium grape varieties
They really mean: Our wine is cheap

They say: We ferment at cool temperature to retain maximum fruit intensity
They really mean: This tastes of bubble gum and sherbet

They say: We left a small amount of residual sugar to lift the flavour
They really mean: It doesn’t taste of anything, but it’s sweet

They say: We picked early to retain some acidity.
They really mean: It’s sharp and tasteless, but the yields were huge.

They say: It’s an early drinking light wine
They really mean: It’s got no flavour and won’t last the year out

They say: The grapes are picked at maximum ripeness
They really mean: The grapes are picked too late

They say: The acidity and tannin will soften with age
They really mean: The acidity and tannin will not soften with age

They say: We are looking to expand into sparkling wine
They really mean: We are looking to make some money from sparkling wine

They say: We are looking to expand
They really mean: We are looking to improve our cashflow

They say: The UK market is very important to us
They really mean: The UK press is very important to us

They say: We’ve had some interesting results
They really mean: We’ve had some disgusting results, but Domestos are interested.

They say: The label is a freeform depiction of the sunset over the nearby lake
They really mean: The artist likes The Grateful Dead

They say: Our winemaker trained at Geisenheim
They really mean: We don’t make reds

They say: My family have been making wine in California for many generations
They really mean: My grandfather was a bootlegger

They say: Our aim is to educate the wine drinker
They really mean: Our aim is to fleece the wine drinker

They say: We have stopped using lead capsules in order to promote ‘green’ values
They really mean: Plastic capsules are cheaper

They say: We practice a policy of minimum intervention
They really mean: Our wine is expensive

They say: We are experimenting with Italian and Rhone varieties
They really mean: Our wine is expensive

They say: The winemaker regularly travels to compare notes with producers in other areas
They really mean: Our wine is expensive

They say: This wine is best with marinated swordfish
They really mean: We opened several bottles, and ate several meals, and it went least badly with swordfish.

They say: The perfect partner for raw scallops marinated in dill and paprika
They really mean: Lousy with food

They say: It’s an ideal restaurant wine
They really mean: It doesn’t taste of anything, but the label’s nice.

They say: This usually proves popular with the ladies
They really mean: It’s sweet/pink

They say: Our wines are designed to sit on the same table as the top French ones
They really mean: We make ludicrously expensive Cabernet and Chardonnay

They say: We were the first to plant up in these hills back in the late 60s
They really mean: We also grow dope

They say: I’m not sure if I understand what you mean
They really mean: Our wine is expensive, flavourless and too tannic

They say: These are the results of our exciting new winemaking project
They really mean: These are clean but boring wines made to a price point by a foreigner

They say: The ideal partner for fish, chicken and pasta
They really mean: OK, so it doesn’t taste of anything

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4 Comments

  • Colin says:

    Simon, what an excellent post. It has really made me smile this dreary Monday morning. Your creativity deserves a wider audience to get the appreciation it deserves.

    PS were you the Simon Wood who judged at the IWC? I was one of the staff.

  • Glen says:

    Funny stuff! And oh so true. How about this one:

    They say: Expert blend of 60/40
    They really mean: We threw together all our leftovers

    and to expand on your own a little:

    They say: We left a small amount of residual sugar to lift the flavour
    They really mean: We added sugar

    They say: We picked early to retain some acidity.
    They really mean: We added acid
    etc etc!!!
    keep up the good work

  • SIMON WOODS says:

    Colin, yes I am the IWC Simon Woods – will you be there for next year’s tasting?

    Glen, thanks for the comments. I’m sure there are several more we can think of given the correct vinous stimulation…

  • Colin says:

    Absolutely – I’ll be there.

    Despite it being hard work, it’s a great learning opportunity for my WSET Diploma, a chance to meet interesting people and where else would I get the chance to taste so many wines in one place?

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