The language of wine has long been incomprehensible to normal people. And the more you’re sucked into the pleasures of the world’s finest beverage, the more you find yourself engaged in wine-speak yourself, and also sucked into thinking that the intricacies of wine are of universal interest – they aren’t, as I tried to get across in this post.

To combat the spread of wine-speak, the team at UK store SPAR has begun trials of back labels with descriptions in the local lingo – not the language spoken where the wine is produced, but that that will be used in the shop where the wine is sold. The original version for one particular wine read as follows: “A truly great Merlot which is ablaze with succulent blackcurrants and blueberries. This Merlot has legs like a thoroughbred, strong and forward, which tantalises your palate. Its full bouquet is a delight for your nose and will leave you yearning for more. This isn’t a wine for the faint hearted.”

Now watch below for translations into Geordie, Scots, Scouse and more. As they say in the Black Country version, go on – gie it a goo…